I’m a secret binge eater…
Well, I guess it’s not so much of a secret now, but since my first show I’ve been pigging out in secret.
Why? I don’t really know why – all I can tell you is that I felt like I owed myself the chance to eat a whole load of rubbish because I had been denied it throughout my prep. The funny thing is though, that once I had finished stuffing my face I was more miserable than before I started, so what did I do… I went and stuffed my face again.
To begin with I’d just grab a bar of chocolate from up the shop whilst I was work, this slowly progressed to 3 or 4 bars throughout the day. I’d justify my actions by telling myself that ‘it’s okay, I’ll be doing some cardio later’ or, ‘I walked to work today so it won’t make a difference’. And the worst part of this was that when I would do my morning mirror check the next day I didn’t feel any fatter or any more unhealthy than I had the previous day. In my eyes I still looked the same… so went and did it again.
This went on for a few weeks, and Craig was none the wiser – I’d weigh myself and when Craig asked why I might have put weight on I’d just shrug and say something along the lines of ‘just hormones I guess?’ and that’d be the end of it.
With Craig deep in prep mode I wouldn’t dream of eating anything bad in front of him, for one it wasn’t fair when he was working so hard and I didn’t want to put any temptation in front of him, that’s when my binge eating really began…
It got to the point in prep where Craig preferred not to do the grocery shopping, so I made any and every excuse to go to the shop alone just so I could fill the trolley with junk. I’d purposely pack the shopping in a way so that all of the bad food I had greedily snatched off the shelves was packed in it’s own bag. Then after paying for the shopping I’d put the rest of the bags in the boot and take the junk food bag in the front seat with me.
I couldn’t risk getting caught so I’d sit in the car park and eat everything I had just bought. I was always aware of how long I had already been out shopping for and so as not to give off any warning signs I’d stuff everything within a matter of minutes. Then I’d pack all the wrappers up including the receipt into the empty shopping bag and put it in the car park bin before I headed back home.
You might be wondering just how much I was eating? Well an average ‘car seat binge’ would consist of something similar to the following;
- A box of french fancies
- Belgian buns
- 3 for £1.20 chocolate bars
- A bag of sweets
- A bag of truffles
- Mini rolls
- An iced coffee
I’d rifle through my bag of goodies like it was Christmas morning and by the end of it I’d feel so sick and miserable.
What is it that finally made me own up to my eating habits then? Quite simply looking back at the photos of my weight loss journey and suddenly realising that I hadn’t regressed just a little bit… but a lot. That, and having the courage to spill the beans to my husband, now that I’m no longer in denial as to why I’ve been putting weight on again I can finally see how I truthfully look in the mirror, and not what my mind is trying to cover up.
I always told myself that I would never get big again, and low and behold I’ve gone and started myself back on the path to how I used to live my life – something I’m adamant I don’t want to do. So the binge eating has stopped, full stop.
Once we’ve settled into our new home in Portugal I’ll be working with our coach again and I think this has helped me to come clean about my eating as well. On November 1st I will need to send a check in photo of how I look and I certainly don’t want it to be a photo of a big blob!
So just to really put myself out there and to give myself one final push back in the right direction I’ve put together a comparison photo of how I looked 1 week before my show and to how I look as of this morning (It’s taken some serious guts to do this so queue the courage…!)
I wrote this post almost 2 hours ago, and have just spent the last 15 minutes crying my eyes out after realising just how far I’ve gone off track – but now it’s time to suck it up and sort things out again. I don’t want to be the miserable mess I feel like I am now, I want to feel on top of the world again.
I might just have to get back in touch with my coach sooner than I expected…