That sinking feeling
Ever thought you had control of things only to realise that actually you don’t have anywhere near as tight a grasp on life as you hoped?
Well that’s kind of how I’m feeling at the moment. For the past few days I’ve been in a really foul mood and really can’t pin point any reason for it. I’m tired, miserable, fed up and generally feeling lower than low.
I figured that taking some aggression out at the gym today would be a wise move, headphones were in and it was a brutal leg session, but I still feel like I have a proper frown on the go that I just can’t seem to shake. No amount of ‘turn that frown upside down’ or ‘cheer up’, ‘snap out of it’ will work – I’m quite bluntly a moody, short tempered miserable bint at the moment.
I’m so angry at myself for feeling this way, I have absolutely no reason to be on a downer and yet here I am.
I’ve thought about what could be making me feel this way, hormones, stress, work, money, life in general and I guess when I look at it then it’s probably a little bit of all of those things. I have so much I still want to get done and almost no energy to do it.
I hoped that moving to another country would allow me to work less, spend more time with my family and become the person I strive to be. It’s been almost six months since we moved and reality is much more along the lines of; working more, barely seeing my family and sinking deeper and deeper into the shadow of who I want to become.
What I really want is to have the beautiful home with all the creature comforts, gain the physique I’ve been dreaming of, be the awesome fun mum that makes family time effortless, be the loving wife who my husband no doubt longs for, have my office overlooking the garden and work the hours I choose… is that so much to ask? Well okay then, perhaps I may be living in cloud cuckoo land with all of those demands.
I’ve spent the last two years working to get the beginnings of my dream off the ground and in terms of work I’m doing brilliantly. I know I must be doing something right when clients come looking for me and I don’t have to search for work. The problem is that I’m so damn impatient. The great thing is that I can see the future that I long for but the gutter is that it’s going to take time. Time to earn the money, and time to put things in place… Baby steps… that’s what I have to keep reminding myself.
Because time feels like it’s taking so long to pass, it means that I am constantly battling thoughts along the lines of ‘when I can earn this’, or ‘when we can get that’… Things start piling up in my head and then all of a sudden become incredibly heavy. I guess that’s when the blue mood begins to surface, and it’s times like these that I feel I could quite easily lock myself away and eat myself into a food coma in an effort to drown my sorrows, whether it be with food or drink.
But then from a dark little corner a glimmer of hope sparks and I’m reminded of something I read;
‘Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion.’
– Georg Wilhelm Friedrich
So then I think to myself that if I’m getting so blue about these things then surely that’s a sign that I’m passionate about them, right? So at least I can be safe in the knowledge that I have goals to aim for and plenty to keep me going for the future.
As it turns out, in writing this post I’ve felt a little tiny bit of that weight lift, I suppose just getting feelings out in the open is a good starting point in clearing out the negativity and helping to re-ignite the happy bugs again (even if this post is just full of crazy nonsensical ramblings!).
Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk sooner rather than later as I know I’m pretty awful company to be around at the moment, which reminds me, here’s a massive thank you to my family for dealing with me and my mood recently! ❤