Healing the hurt
I’m beginning to think that in order to heal a hurt so deep, you need to dig down, find the root of that pain and give it a voice so it can begin to heal.
So with that in mind, I’m going to pull open some poorly healing wounds I’m currently facing in the hope that voicing them will allow the wounds to heal more tightly and more firmly.
At the end of March this year I lost someone so dear to me, someone who I adored and loved so much, or in our own words as we used to say to each other someone I loved ‘concrete mixers full’.
My amazing Nana.
Then, just shy of 7 months later, another devastating blow came, my equally wonderful and amazing Moma lost her battle with cancer.
In a matter of months, I’ve gone from having two strong mother figures in my life to losing them both and it has cut me so painfully deep.
After Nana had passed, I can see now that more of my attention focussed on mum and how it was becoming more apparent just how hard she was having to fight to keep herself going.
I didn’t realise it at the time but just before she died I went through a control struggle of sorts. I knew that I was helpless when it came to helping mum, but I desperately needed to find something that I could take control and ownership over because I just felt so insignificant and useless watching mum fading away.
That something turned out to be my hair.
And my oh my… that went all kinds of wrong and has now made me even more miserable than I was before. But it is only hair at the end of the day and it will grow back again… eventually.
It seems so strange to look back at photographs, even from just a year ago and to see how healthy she looked, and the hardest thing is to try and remember her that way. As all I can see when I think about her is how she looked in hospital, so small, so tiny, so weak. So, un-mum.
It’s been just over 5 weeks since Mom passed and all in all I figured I was dealing pretty well with things, then, at the weekend we watched Over the Moon on Netflix with the kids, and wow… within the first 10 minutes I had tears streaming down my face and an enormous surge of sadness came out of nowhere.
Some parts of that film were just a little too close to home, from the mother dying, to the girl cutting her hair, it felt like my last few weeks were playing out all over again on screen.
I still feel so many emotions, from sadness, disbelief, to numbness and anger. These feelings often come one after another and its so overwhelming that I just end up feeling miserable and exhausted.
I find things to keep me occupied, to try and fill the voids of darkness with happy things, which I’m sure both of them would like for me to do but a lot of the time I just feel so drained from the rollercoaster of emotions that I struggle to find the energy to get on with anything.
Don’t get me wrong, some days are great and I feel normal, but it only takes a tiny little thought or memory to creep in that sets me rolling back down that hill of sadness. In truth I know with time these things will get better on their own.
Christmas is just around the corner and I feel like there’s a constant game of tug of war going on in my head over feeling guilty. I’m so desperate to make this THE BEST Christmas in terms of décor and fun for the kids because it’s just been such a heart shattering year, but then how can it be anything other than full of sadness because neither Mum or Nana will be here to celebrate with us?
I feel guilty for finding things easier now that I’m the last remaining mother on this side of our family tree, guilty for feeling that little bit more independent and to have a little more breathing room to be myself.
Is it wrong to feel this guilt but worse than that, to even feel relieved that they’re gone? Not because I want to be without them but to know that neither one of them are suffering anymore.
Time will tell but at least the healing process has at begun.